Symphony without a Sound ♥

Never be erased♥

♥Copyrighted 2007

All Rights Reserved © Original
100% Copyrighted 2007 Blanche '♥

Whatever You Imagine

~Lightningslayer
Bloodred Sapphire

Things have been looking up finally... Thank God, really....

I'm back in school (ACJC!!!) in my junior class... They've been fantastically supportive and receptive people... Some teachers are nice, some are apprehensive... I'm not going to mention what other kinds of teachers there are... Just got plastered by one today... But whatever, it's just a situation of mind over matter... I don't mind and she DOESN'T MATTER. I'm not going to let people like that spoil my day, nope, I've got better things to be happy about.

I'm really grateful to be back in school... Yeah, it's difficult, seeing all the people I know coming back to get their certs and all... Knowing that they have a place somewhere instead of wobbling in a balance like me... Despite the joys of knowing new classmates, fun-o-rama and stuff, it's still has a slightly painful twinge... I suppose everything will get better... After all, I've only been there a week...

Truthfully though, I really really really (X infinity) want to get into a university (NTU ADM if possible)... I think I'm still in denial about the reality of the possibility of having to retake the A levels... I'm still hanging on desperately to the hope of being able to whisk myself off to university...

Speaking of university, I've finally finished my portfolio... Cost me a bomb... I've also finally finished my application to NUS... Another burden off my back, whew... I'm beginning to look at all these as stuff to tick off my organizer... It's really tiring... Cracking my brains just to come up with something that might impress the interviewers or whoever that's going to bother with reading my stuff...

God, please grant me favour with them... I really need to get into a uni... I'll just hang on and keep going :)

Thank You, Lord

~Lightningslayer
Bloodred Sapphire

I suppose that this could very well be me...

I was told that I could apply to go back to school... As in really go back to being a student in ACJC again... So I called up a few teachers and even contacted the vice principal... Only to find out that the deadline was this afternoon... And once again I'm thrown into a sea of confusion and pain... I really don't know what to do now... I just don't want to continue anymore... God, please give me grace... I need the abundant grace that I know You have... There's so much pain and anguish in my heart I can hardly think straight... I can hardly do anything but cry... To cry so hard that I'm blinded by my own tears... To cry until I've used up what little strength I have...

God, I have no more strength left... I have even lesser courage... Not to mention whether hope dwells in me anymore... Please just let me get into ADM at NTU and everything will be fine... God, please... I beg You...

~Lightningslayer
Bloodred Sapphire

I've finally registered as a private candidate for the upcoming A levels this year... There's a note of finality to it, the chime of end... I guess I've been in denial, refusing to believe that I actually would have to retake the A levels... I mean, it's always been part of the (quote quote) "contingency plan" in case I don't get into a university (even Photography) But actually registering and putting my name down for a re-run of the dreaded race just exposed me to yet another cruel bite from Reality...

There're too many wounds to heal, the life and spirit fading... More torn open, the blood rushing forth... Too many battles to fight, the shadows surround... Dark skies, the haunting song of destiny... Well, this could be the final hour... God give me strength...

~Lightningslayer
Bloodred Sapphire

There's so much more to life than what happens to us... So much more to live for... Watch this video and understand...

Randy Pausch's Last Lecture

~Lightningslayer
Bloodred Sapphire

Great, now that I've finally decided on what I really want to do, I get scorned by my parents.. "I tell you frankly, there's totally no prospect okay?", "Of all things you want to do this kind of hobby job, where is it going to get you?" The subject in question: A degree in Photography...

Ah, you say, well, it doesn't sound very professional does it? Ah, but anyone can do Photography. Ah, but it's useless isn't it? I tell you what, I'm fed up with all this crap. I finally find something I can do and something I want to do only to have everything thrown back in my face with a "why can't you pick something better?" Don't think I don't know what they're actually saying. "Why can't we have a daughter that we can be proud of?" "Why can't we have a daughter that will awe society?" "Why can't we have a daughter that isn't useless?" "Why can't we have a daughter that can give us a good life for all we've given to her?"

You have that daughter, people. She just isn't me. If you want someone that you won't be ashamed of, that you can show off to society, someone who's pretty, who's cheery, who has good prospects, proper dreams, filial, sunny, rainbow-coloured, you can look at my sister. Yes, look at her and be proud of her. Forget me. Just treat me like I'm non-existent. Anyhow, you were only there when you thought I was going to be a genetic engineer, and environmentalist, a forensic lawyer... But once i mentioned Photography, I did a reverse-Cinderella in your eyes, didn't I? I became the girl in the rags, covered in dirt, with no future...

I know I'll never be good enough. Because I wasn't even good in the first place. I was and am always the dark cloud, the sarcastic one, the one who fought back, the "fatter" one, the "uglier" one, the unconventional one... I suppose you stuck by me all these years only because you thought I was smart. Only because you thought that at least this daughter would do well. Well, guess what? I'm not smart. I thought I worked hard to make up for my idiocy, but I guess all those were swept away by one single sentence. "You didn't work hard at all, you didn't even try". I mean, you're my parents and you see me everyday, so if you say so then it must be true.

There's no one here to tell me that it's not true. Well, church people tell me it's the lies of the enemy, they say that God knows how hard I worked, and that I'm worth more than that. But God, if you're reading this (and I have no idea whether God reads my blog), I just want you to know that more than anything I've ever wished for, I wish that all this would just end. The lousy results, my parents' remarks and disappointment and expectations, my shattered destiny...

Speaking of destiny, where's mine? Everyone's got a way out except for me. Vic's got a place in Film, Viv's got a place in Psychology... No matter what their results are, it seems that everyone has somewhere to go...Except me. Lord, what have you planned? What do You have in mind? I don't know what to do about all this anymore... I don't want to be disowned by my parents just because I have a different dream... I feel like I'm emotionally and physically disowned already, except the fact it's just not reached the legal stage... Lord, there's nothing more for me here...

"When my time comes,
Forget the wrong that I've done.
Let me leave behind
Some reasons to be missed.

Don't resent me,
And when you're feeling empty,
Keep me in your memory.
Leave out all the rest.
Leave out all the rest."

~Lightningslayer
Bloodred Sapphire